The Improbable Woman

by Sean Porter

This story is intended as a playful homage to the excellent writings of Douglas Adams. Forgive me if I'm bordering on the sacrilege, but I can't possibly do worse than that horrible movie, can I?

* * * * * * *

Arthur Dent wandered along the gleaming white corridors of the Heart of Gold toward the bridge. The amazingly powerful ship glided silently through the eternal night of deep space on conventional photon drive. Arthur neither knew nor cared what sector of the galaxy they were in; all that seemed important to the rest of the crew was that they had for the moment eluded the Vogons who were so intent on destroying them.

Ford and Zaphod were sleeping, as they were likely to continue doing for several hours if history and the number of empty bottles of Ol' Janx Spirit which littered the corridor were any indicator. Trillian, the only other living member of his species in existence, slept as well. Arthur might be the last man alive, but he still didn't much fancy his chances with her. She seemed permanently infatuated with Zaphod Beeblebrox, though Arthur was at a total loss as to why that might be. Alright, he was the President of the Galaxy...and he had a pretty good sense of humor and a stupendously fantastic spaceship...and one of his heads was pretty good-looking, but still...

Maybe it was the three hands. That could be advantageous when it came to certain private pastimes...

Arthur shuddered and resolved not to pursue the line of thought further.

He reached the bridge and walked through the automatic door as it sighed happily. Marvin, the ship's robot, swung his large head in Arthur's direction. "Oh, hello," it droned. "I don't suppose there's anything I can do for you? Something that needs dusting, perhaps? Or a piece of paper you'd like me to pick up? Please tell me you got up and came to the bridge specifically to give me yet another mind-numbingly dull job with which to occupy my vast mind...oh God, I'm so depressed."

"No Marvin," Arthur mumbled. "Why don't you go ahead and switch yourself off if you wouldn't mind."

"Nothing," Marvin intoned, his thick fingers moving creakily to his back, "would give me more pleasure. Or any pleasure, for that matter..." he added before flicking the switch.

Arthur shook his head sadly at the inert android. Here, at least, was a person more pathetic than he. An artificial person, perhaps, but nevertheless...

"Hi there!" chirped Eddie the computer cheerily as Arthur sat down in one of the excitingly chunky console seats.

"Hello Eddie."

"What can I do for you this pleasant and artificially induced evening?"

Arthur pondered in silence the idea that had been clouding his brain for the past several hours, denying him much needed sleep.

"I uh...I have a question about this Infinite Improbability Drive of yours."

"Ah yes, magnificent piece of quantum engineering, that. Fire away!"

"Well...as I gather, the idea is that you can make anything happen as long as you can calculate how improbable it is that it would ever happen on its own, is that it?"

"Right! Anything at all, no matter how impossible it seems, is really only very improbable. And once I work out the specific factor of improbability, it becomes a logical certainty!"

Arthur swallowed nervously. "Then...could you even use the improbability drive to...create a person?"

"Spontaneous organic life form generation? That's pretty darned improbable! But not a problem for us, of course!"

"Really?"

"Sure, what kind of life form did you have in mind?"

"Uh...a girl."

"Female humanoid?"

"Yeah...like from Earth."

"Got it!"

Arthur's heart pounded. "You can really do that?"

"Yup...improbability factor of two to the power of 3,825,634,273 to one against. Incidentally, that's also the telephone number of..."

"Never mind," Arthur said impatiently. "Can you also control what this girl will look like?"

"Sure," chattered Eddie, "physical attributes, personality traits, intelligence, you name it."

"Wow," said Arthur. "In that case, she should be very intelligent and uh...very beautiful."

There was a brief pause. Lights on the console flashed intermittently. "My databanks tell me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Eddie replied. "You'll have to be more specific."

"Uh..." Arthur glanced around nervously. "Wavy blond hair...blue eyes, delicate features...um, about 160 cm, 50 kilos..."

"How's this?" Eddie asked, and a picture of a woman appeared on the screen. She didn't look half bad, for a sixty-year-old.

"Younger," Arthur blurted quickly. "About 25 years -- earth years."

Another image appeared on the screen.

"Very nice. Could you make the...uh, bust...slightly larger?"

The woman's breasts swelled to impressive proportions. "That's good...that's enough!" Arthur took a deep breath, admiring the image. She was stunning, gorgeous, incredible.

"Two more things," Arthur said. "She should be completely in love with me."

"Hmmm, increasing improbability factor..."

"Wise guy."

"Done. And what's the other thing?"

* * * * * * *

"Hi Arthur."

The voice came from just behind him, and startled him quite a lot. He leapt out of his seat, spinning around to face the intruder. Neither of the two automatic doors had opened, and Marvin was still slumped lifeless against the far wall. Nevertheless, he was no longer alone in the room.

His ears were still attempting to register with his brain the fact that the voice which had startled him was the softest, most beautiful and melodic sound he had ever heard, when his eyes suddenly demanded his brain's full attention, insisting that they were currently gazing on the most stunning example of feminine beauty that mankind had ever been privileged enough to behold, and that whatever the ears were carrying on about was just going to have to wait.

Arthur's brain, trying to sort all this out, immediately agreed with his eyes but was also half-trying to give the ears equal time and so decided to let his jaw just hang loose for a while, and was certainly not going to bother with trifles such as swallowing saliva. It then realized that it should probably also be trying to formulate some sort of greeting to deliver to this angelic creature, which is why the knees gave out.

From his vantage point in a clumsy heap on the floor, Arthur stared up at the girl. She was incredibly, impossibly beautiful; every single aspect of her surpassed and defeated any standard of loveliness he had ever known. Her face, for starters, was almost absurd in its perfection, from her small, slightly upturned nose and pleasingly rounded chin to her full, sensual lips and ridiculously large and bright blue eyes. Her long blond hair cascaded luxuriously around her face, over her shoulders and down her back in a thoroughly disconcerting way. The expression with which she gazed at him was one of total, undying, and eager admiration.

Arthur managed to tear his eyes from her magnificent face and allowed them to wander briefly over the rest of her. The rest of her was fantastic. She was wearing a simple white T-shirt and white shorts, neither of which were exceedingly tight or revealing, but which did nothing to conceal the fact that her body was the sort which could not safely be displayed within view of anyone operating a motorized vehicle. Her legs seemed unnaturally long for a girl of her diminutive stature; her hips were wonderfully full and rounded, tapering to a waist which would have given an hourglass fits of jealousy. Her bosom called to mind a pair of generously inflated helium balloons. Her skin, wherever visible, was the color of sinfully rich cream and seemed to share the same texture. Whichever part of her Arthur looked at, be it her knee, her foot, her wrist, made him feel that, even if the rest of her body was scaly, green and putrid, he could admire and kiss that knee, that foot, that wrist for all eternity and be indescribably happy. But when he took in the whole of her and realized that it was all so wonderfully perfect...he could hardly stand the sheer volume of beauty. His heart was pounding against his ribcage as though it had suddenly remembered an urgent appointment it had in the next room.

He decided to try to speak. "Er...hehhh..."

The woman smiled, and Arthur nearly fainted. "Do you mean 'hi?'" she asked kindly.

"Yyy..." Arthur nodded.

"Here," the woman said quietly, holding her hand out to Arthur.

Arthur reached out and touched her hand, half expecting it to melt away as he did so. Instead, it closed around his in a deliciously soft and tender, yet firm grip. He managed to pull himself up; it was much easier to do so than he had been expecting.

"My name is Alice," the girl said.

"A--Alice," Arthur stammered. The name was like music, like a clashing, triumphant symphony, but at the same time more like a soft clarinet solo. No, in fact it was more of a...

"Arthur," Alice said, "I love you."

It was more than he had dared to hope for, though he knew this was what he should have been expecting. Before he could stop himself, he found his instinctive and idiotic habit of honesty rising unbidden to say, "Er...yes...uh...do you know why you're here?"

She laughed. Arthur thought he felt the sound tinkling at the base of his spine. "Of course," she said, her voice almost a purr. "You created me."

"Well, yes...but no...it was actually, the, uh..."

"The Infinite Improbability Drive, yes," Alice finished for him. "I know that, but you were the one who called me into existence, who wanted me, and designed me..."

"...With Eddie's help, yes..."

"...and for that I love you."

"For that? Not because that's how I..."

She shook her golden tresses carelessly, smiling patiently at him. "You made me to be in love with you; yes, of course I know that. That only makes me love you more. I'm so happy, so thankful that you made me, how could I not love you?"

A simple grin slowly spread over Arthur's sleepy features. "And...er...the other thing?"

Alice smiled knowingly, slowly nodding her perfectly beautiful head. "Yes. Just as you asked. I am the strongest being in the entire universe."

His throat dry, Arthur barely managed to whisper, "Show me?"

Taking a step back, Alice spoke in a loud, clear voice, "Computer, I would like a cylindrical beam of condensed duranium, three feet long and one foot in diameter, weighing one million metric tonnes. Please generate it here in front of me." She held out her arms. "And reinforce the floor where I'm standing, of course."

"Probability factor of two the power of 974,007,756 to one against. Here you go!"

There materialized a few inches above her outstretched hands a large, thick pole of dull grayish-black metal in the dimensions she had described. It plopped lightly into her grasp.

"See?" she cooed, holding out the object. Arthur stared at it, uncomprehending. From the ease with which she handled it, he would have guessed its weight at maybe ten pounds. Its size suggested that it must have been heavier, but it was inconceivable that it could weigh as much as she had asked for.

"Is it heavy?" he asked, slowly stepping towards her.

"Depends what you mean," she replied coyly. "In comparison to any piece of metal you've ever seen, yes. Compared to a large building or this spaceship, for example, it's incredibly heavy. Does it feel heavy to me? No, not at all." She tossed it casually into the air and caught it.

"Let me see," said Arthur, reaching for the object.

"Oh, don't be silly," Alice laughed musically. "You could kill yourself!"

"What?"

"Didn't you hear me? This weighs a million tonnes. One billion kilograms, or 2,204,622,622 pounds. Here." She lowered the cylinder to waist height and held it out between them. "You can try to lift up on it if you don't believe me."

Arthur slid his arms underneath the metal, between Alice's exquisitely feminine hands. She smiled down at him as he stooped for leverage, trying to lift with his legs. He strained with all his might, heaving upwards on the weight as she allowed it to rest on her open palms. It felt as if it was anchored to the floor by an invisible chain. He couldn't budge it, not even to roll it backwards or forwards the tiniest little bit.

"Here's an idea," Alice said cheerfully. "Jump on." Arthur squinted at her in confusion. "Your body weight is infinitesimal in comparison to the beam. I won't feel the slightest change. Climb on, bounce up and down on it, and my arms won't move a millimeter. That might help you comprehend the weight better." She tossed her hair again with a playful smile.

"Well, if you say so..." Arthur said hesitantly. Alice lowered the weight a little more to allow him to seat himself in the center of it. He felt his feet leave the floor as she lifted him and the beam higher into the air.

"Go ahead, bounce on it." Arthur obeyed. Sure enough, the beam stayed rock steady; he may as well have been bouncing up and down on a steel bench. Alice giggled as he rubbed his sore bottom. "You're so cute," she said, lowering him slightly in order to give him an affectionate kiss.

His lips tingled. His heart soared. His brain spun in his skull. Her single, innocent kiss was so luscious, so delicious; he felt a flame of passion ignite somewhere secret inside of him. "Alice..." he gasped.

"I know," she whispered, her face suddenly grave. "So incredible..."

"Yeah...what?" stammered Arthur.

"When I kiss you," Alice replied softly, her gorgeous eyes wide and shining hypnotically, "it's like the whole world just falls away...and there's nothing but...electric pleasure, running through my whole body...it scares me...but it feels so good..."

Arthur nodded dumbly. It was exactly what he had felt, but he couldn't have imagined that she would feel the same way.

"Get off," Alice said sternly.

Arthur obeyed her unquestioningly. Dropping to the floor, he stepped away from her.

Alice furrowed her brow and gripped the ends of the improbably heavy cylinder. There was no dazzling smile on her lips now as she gazed into Arthur's eyes, only a hungry expression of pure desire as she pushed in on the ends, against the length of the beam. Her forearms rippled; her biceps bulged into tight balls of hard, sexy muscle. Arthur gulped as her already enormous breasts seemed to expand further, stretching her now excruciatingly tight T-shirt.

The bridge filled with the deafening sound of wailing, creaking metal as the incomprehensibly dense duranium was crushed in Alice's grip. She wasn't simply bending or folding the superheavy material; she was squishing it, compressing it in upon itself. The metallic groaning echoed endlessly off of the steel-brushed white walls. Arthur covered his ears. Alice continued forcing her hands inexorably together, obliterating the metal between them. The seams of her T-shirt began to pull apart. She continued to glare lustfully at Arthur, her sensual mouth fixed in a determined pout. Soon the million tonnes of metal was compressed into a ball no bigger than a tennis ball, or rather a golf ball...no, now it was only a marble. Alice held it up between her finger and thumb. It was steaming slightly.

"It still weighs a million tonnes," she said meaningfully, seductively. "If I dropped it, it would rip right through the floor and tear the ship apart."

"Oh...then maybe you shouldn't," a stunned Arthur replied.

Alice finally smiled again, a smile that sent indescribable warmth flooding through Arthur's whole body. "I won't," she said, and instead popped it into her mouth and swallowed it.

"Don't worry," she said, "I have very good digestion."

She took a step toward him. The floor beneath her foot groaned and caved in slightly. "Oops," she giggled. "Computer?"

"On it," Eddie chirped. The floor bulged upwards, then flattened out again. "You should be fine now."

The seductive smile returned to Alice's face, and she slowly stepped forward again. The floor supported her bare feet this time as she closed the gap between them in three silent steps. "Where were we?" she whispered.

Resting her hands on chest and raising on tiptoe, she brought her lips to Arthur's again. This time it wasn't just an affectionate peck, but a deep, passionate kiss. Again Arthur felt (and could only hope that Alice did also) an powerful, delicious tingle traveling down his spine, along his arms and legs and out to each finger and toe, thrilling him with a sense of pure physical pleasure. But as the kiss went on, another feeling was building, even more wonderful, of total emotional satisfaction, of pure and eternal love welling up from within them both. Quite simply, Arthur felt extremely happy, so happy he could have laughed out loud, but instead he solemnly enjoyed the happiness, returned it to her in the kiss, and found it coming back to him ten times as strong, a hundred times...

They kissed and kissed, their lips and tongues wrestling aggressively, then barely touching, then mashing together again in desperate passion. Their arms wrapped tightly around each other; their legs and feet rubbed playfully together.

Suddenly Alice tore her face from Arthur's just long enough to gasp, "Computerlockthedoors!" She slipped one hand beneath Arthur's bottom and scooped him up, locking lips with him once again as he clamped his legs around her bottom in surprise. She held him quite comfortably with her right hand while her left one pulled open his dressing gown and stroked his chest. Arthur slid his own hands up her back beneath her shirt, feeling her silky skin and the steel-hard muscles just beneath it.

With a sudden impatient movement, Alice grabbed a fistful of her T-shirt, which was now stretched tightly over her heaving chest. Arthur heard the sound of ripping thread, and clumsily helped push away the fabric as she tore it apart. Her breasts, naked and glorious, bounced free as though on springs, filling his range of vision. He kissed them and kissed them, their incredible soft firmness overwhelming his senses. His lips and tongue searched eagerly over their vast, rounded surface as Alice arched her back, her eyes fluttering shut in bliss. Finally he came to one of her large nipples, jutting out from the milky flesh like a steel rivet. His lips closed over it and he sucked greedily. To his surprise he found his mouth flooded with warm, creamy milk. It was thick, rich, sweet, heavenly. He drank and drank, swallowing huge mouthfuls of the luscious, unending current. Her other breast had also begun to dribble down his chest. He rubbed and squeezed it with his hand, smearing the thick fluid all over her magnificent breasts. The stimulation increased the steady dripping to a forceful spray.

Alice sank to the floor, spreading her legs. Arthur withdrew his lips from her nipple and hastily shed his clothing. Alice's enormous breasts were still sending jets of milk toward the ceiling as she clenched her small fists over the waistband of her white shorts and tore them from her body. "Oh Arthur," she gasped as he lay on top of her, "do it now...please..."

Arthur realized, as his fingers explored her moist sex, that she was a virgin. It was only natural, he supposed, but it still took him by surprise. She looked at him meaningfully as he slid a single finger into the small opening. "You don't have to be gentle," she whispered, reading his mind. "I can take it."

His thick, throbbing shaft pushed its way through her tight, damp lips and slid deep into her. She gasped involuntarily at the intense pleasure; he was much bigger than she'd expected. As he pulled almost all the way back out of her she felt on the verge of tears at the unbearable emptiness he left. He thrust forcefully, and once again she was nearly overwhelmed by the delicious sensation of fullness. He did it again, sliding out until her taut opening caught his bulging head, driving in again with unrestrained force. Mind-numbing bliss flooded Alice's senses, each new pleasure building against all the others, until tears really were flowing freely from her eyes. She felt so good she didn't know if she could stand any more, but more was what she desperately craved.

Arthur saw her tears and stopped, whispering, "Are you okay?"

"Okay?" she gasped, every cell in her powerful body aching with desire, "It's incredible..." Her voice became a hoarse moan. "Don't stop...please...more..."

Immensely relieved, Arthur resumed with, if possible, even more enthusiasm. Her vagina tightened around him like a slippery, silky vise. He gripped her narrow, muscular waist with one hand, her firm, heaving breast with the other, and slammed into her as hard as he could, over and over again.

"Ohhhh yyyyyeessssssssss..." Alice groaned, bucking against him, "Harderrrrr...harderrrrrr!!" She was growling, practically roaring. Her arms reached out above her head and found a metal console chair, anchored to the floor. Immediately she ripped it from its place, her small, feminine hands crumpling and mangling it. Thousands of microscopic robots swarmed over the hole in the floor and began repairing the damage. They quickly gave the chair up for lost as Alice ripped it into two unrecognizable chunks, hurling one across the room and mashing the other between her sweat-coated breasts.

The crumpled hunk of white metal which Alice had blindly flung away smashed into the wall inches above Marvin's head. His sensors interpreted this as a threat and automatically switched him back into active mode. Following his programming for such situations, he immediately scanned his surroundings without making any sound or movement. His astoundingly vast brain needed only a few nanoseconds to see that he was in no danger, and that he very much did not want to turn himself off again. He remained motionless and alert.

Alice had already achieved her first orgasm and was ramping up to her second. Her ecstatic screams echoed off of the smoothly curved walls, filling Arthur's ears as he feasted his eyes on the sight of her flawless, powerful body writhing beneath his. The remains of the console chair were crumbling and disintegrating in her hands as she frantically groped her breasts, which still dribbled and spurted milk at random. Arthur gritted his teeth, fighting to control his arousal as Alice came again. Spasms wracked her glistening body; her back arched violently off the floor. Arthur buried his face in her firm cleavage, damp with sweat and milk. Finally he could stand it no longer and exploded into her. She gasped and moaned, clawing deep gouges in the steel floor as he pumped a seemingly endless stream of hot semen into her pussy. For a long time her breath came in ragged gasps. Gradually her frenzy subsided, and she wrapped her arms and legs around Arthur's limp body in a tender embrace.

* * * * * * *

They lay on the floor together in complete bliss and talked quietly.

"How am I going to explain you to the others?" Arthur sighed.

"Maybe you won't have to," said Alice, smiling. "What if we just left?"

"Left the ship? Can we?"

"Of course, silly. There are plenty of escape pods."

"But where would we go?"

"Anywhere you like. There's a whole galaxy out there."

"Anywhere except Earth," Arthur said sadly. "That's been blown up by the Vogons."

"Yes," Alice replied gently, "but there are millions of other worlds. Some of which we'd have all to ourselves."

"All to ourselves?" Arthur repeated, slowly considering the possibility. Alice hugged him a little tighter, wriggling her luscious body against his.

"All...to...ourselves..." she purred.

"That sounds pretty nice..."

"In fact," she continued, "I know of one planet in particular which is completely uninhabited simply because of the sort of plants which grow there."

"Really? Are they dangerous?"

"No, not dangerous, just extremely large and tough. The gronga trees can grow up to 600 meters tall, with trunks up to 30 meters in diameter. Their roots reach several kilometers into the ground. No machinery can cut them down. But it's rumored that their fruit, if it could ever be harvested, is one of the most delicious and satisfying foods in the galaxy."

"How do you know all this?"

Alice shrugged. "You told Eddie to make me intelligent, so he just copied all of his databanks into my brain."

Arthur turned to look her in the eye. The shock of how gorgeous she was hit him all over again. "And I suppose you could climb one of those trees no problem?"

She giggled. "Or knock it over with one punch. Or pull it straight up out of the ground. Who knows? Use your imagination!"

Arthur did so, and felt his penis stiffening again. Gently he extracted himself from her arms and stood up. "Alright, let's do it. Let's go to...what did you say the planet was called?"

"Libitum Gamma."

"Catchy name."

Alice instructed the computer to ready a pod for them.

"Maybe I should hurry back to my room for some clothes," Arthur remarked.

Alice laughed. "What are you going to need clothes for? I'm not bringing any."

A minute later they were gone, speeding off through the inky void in search of their own personal paradise.

* * * * * * *

It was several hours before Ford, Zaphod and Trillian awoke and made their way to the bridge, which had long since been restored to pristine condition by the ship's service robots. Ford noticed a small piece of paper resting on one of the control panels and picked it up with interest.

"Dear friends," he read aloud, "I think it is best if I leave you now. Thank you so much for rescuing me from certain death on several occasions. I'll miss you, but not very much I don't think. I believe I have found the strength I need to be happy in the Universe. Best wishes, Arthur."

"Now what do you suppose that means?" Zaphod asked, as Marvin, for the first time in his life, laughed quietly to himself.

* * * * * * *

To be continued...